Tag Archives: personal

Letting go of the idealized recovery

If you hear some in the eating disorder community talk about recovery, you could be forgiven for thinking that they were trying to get you to buy a timeshare at a resort. Recovery, they say, is where you love yourself. You love your body. You accept your imperfections. Your life is good, so good. You’ve gotten to the root of your […]

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Why me? Survivor’s guilt and EDs

I was always told that if I worked hard enough, I could recover. With hard work and time, the treatment centers told me, I would get well. I am, by most measures, doing well. I’m not “fully recovered,” nor do I really understand what that term means. But I am doing well. It’s a fact […]

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The trauma of having an eating disorder

It wasn’t long after I returned home to Michigan that the nightmares started. They weren’t overtly frightening or threatening- no boogeymen, no one chasing me. Instead, I found myself back at the treatment facility where I had spent the previous seven months. I was returning a failure. I had relapsed somehow, although I couldn’t tell […]

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The things that take the place of ED

One of the things that helped me the most in recovery was finding something that was as interesting and enthralling for me as the AN once was. As I started to emerge from the AN and from starvation, I needed a reason to keep going. It’s one thing to eat in treatment, but I could […]

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The other side of hunger cues: fullness cues

So my treatment team talks a lot about hunger cues and when the return and what they mean. I’m not saying I never had trouble with hunger cues because I did. But hunger cues aren’t the only game in town. Fullness cues are the flip side of hunger cues, and the generally receive the short […]

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The stories we tell ourselves: Narratives and EDs

I’ve written volumes about eating disorders over the years–beginning before I was even diagnosed. Most of the writings were personal, private- scribbled by dim desk light as my roommate (any of them) snoozed in the bunk a few feet away. I didn’t create them as stories. They were more the semi-deranged ravings of someone who […]

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